A Tiny Step Back

by Siobhan Knight
12 Jun 2012 22:53 (updated 12 Jun 2012 22:55) | 0 comment(s)

FROM: Siobhan Knight <ude.drailliuj|thginks#ude.drailliuj|thginks>
TO: Jenna Donovan <ude.uynhcsit|navonodj#ude.uynhcsit|navonodj>

For you, I'm sure she'll do private lessons. I'll double check, though, just not when she's suffering from PMS.

—Okay, fine. I like Quintin. There, I said it. But I don't even know if I want to go for him, so if you want to, you should. You're the better choice, anyway. I'm indecisive and confused and remember? According to Jesse, I'm too clingy and intense. I'd probably scare him off after two dates.

Gawd, it's no wonder I'm single.

Harper's coming now?—

Maybe I will bring Christian by. You know, if he's not too cool to go out with his Big Sissy.

I've been staring at the email to Jenna for the last ten minutes. I've written and re-written it, and the two lines that are left make it sound like I'm totally pissed off at her. Which I'm not. If I'm pissed off at anyone, it's with myself, because I'm such a colossal flake.

I can't send this email. I just can't. I don't want Jenna to feel sorry for me, I can do that perfectly fine on my own.

I think my mother infected me. Yes, PMS is contagious. Or maybe it's the moon cycle and something to do with our magic. Whatever it is, I delete the whole email and close the window. Maybe I'll be able to think of something to say later that doesn't make me sound like a whiny be-otch. The nice thing is, if Jenna doesn't hear from me for a few hours, she won't think anything of it.

It's a lot easier to put a smiley face on in an email, too.

The truth is, I do kind of like Quintin. I mean, I don't know him well enough to say that I like him definitively, but I am interested. It's screwed up because Jenna likes him, too and that has never happened before. I love Jenna like a sister, and I can't in good conscience ask her to back off even though she offered. I'd feel guilty as hell.

Putting my laptop aside, I flop back on my bed and drag Brownie Bear, my three foot tall bear that I've since before I was crawling, onto my chest and hold him there.

"What am I going to do, Brownie?"

Harper might be coming too, now. Just when I'm trying to take Daddy's advice and move on. If Harper liked me, he'd have said something or made a move by now, instead of leaving me waiting in the wings. I need to move on. I mean, it's not like I'm waiting for him or anything. I dated Jesse for more than a year, and evidently I was just too intense for him.

Whatever that means.

I don't know why it's now that I'm focusing on Harper with the same obsession that I did back when I was fifteen and was totally awkward with braces and boobs too big for my body. I've been able to just put that crush aside for years, but now it's flaring up like it's brand new again. Maybe it's because I've spent a year watching girls get 'pinned' by fraternity brothers, or get engaged and start making plans for marriage once they're out of school.

I'm not shopping for a husband, I'm really not. I mean, I want to dance a while and teach a while. I don't want to be married with three kids at twenty-six, that's really not my dream.

But I don't want to be alone, either.

Gawd, what's wrong with me? I'm only twenty. I'm not supposed to even be thinking about these sorts of things.

Maybe there's a spell for this. Something to clear my head and get to me to focus or help me figure out what I really want. I know, silly to think that there's some kind of spell to just magic up a solution, but it's what I need right now.

There are the old grimoires up in the attic that I'm not supposed to know about…

Maybe after this weekend I'll have to do some reading and research.

It's time I stretched my witchy wings anyway.


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